Maddison's Musings

So far, 2016 has been a pretty great year. I just filled out my January calendar and it was so full of color and packed with activity. This year, I've started a bullet journal, and I love it so much. I'm going to make a blog post about that next hopefully, but I wanted to give it a month and see how much I used it and how much I like it before I wrote about it. So far I love it, and I really use it more for personal things and ideas and such, so I'm really excited to write that post before the end of February.

One thing that I've missed doing is writing. I know I keep putting off these blog posts until the end of each month, but that's working out for right now as I try to think of more things to write about and I know this is mostly for me in the future, but in the last few days I've really missed writing and my mind has been full of new ideas. The hardest part though is starting it, so I just have a ton of plans, but the fear of writing something is keeping me from actually doing anything, and that's pretty annoying for me. I'm trying to break that and tell myself to just write, but then I procrastinate and tell myself to do something else, like homework, or laying on the floor. I find that it's really easy to put off something you love, especially when you don't want to mess up. I'm half tempted to open a word document and type gibberish for a page or two so it doesn't look so empty when I try to write. Maybe I'll try that.

On another update, I have finished my first semester of Junior year. Now I just have two semesters of high school left until I'm done. That's kind of a scary thought because I just can't fathom the fact that by June 2017 I'll be done with high school. Don't get me wrong, I've been waiting for this my entire academic life, but now that it's so close it feels really surreal. The counselors came around to our classes a few weeks ago and were already telling us to register for classes for next year. I went home and immediately put in my course requests, even though it doesn't close for another few weeks. It's so crazy to think that I'll be a senior- it just doesn't seem real! I'm going to take a ton of AP classes next year so that I have less college expenses if and when I pass the AP exams, and I've also put in that I either want my first and/or last periods off, so hopefully I get one of those. We got our class ranks and GPA's the other day, and honestly at first I was really disappointed in myself because I'm only in the top 8% of my class, and my dream college, UT Austin, needs top 7% for automatic admission, but now it's just pushing me to do better this semester and make my way into that top 7%.

Speaking of college, I've been looking into college and careers and everything recently and after the initial fear fear of the future and feeling like Troy Bolton in High School Musical 3 when he sings Scream, I'm actually still feeling pretty good about the future. I have really high goals for myself, and I know I can achieve them.

The weather was extremely nice here this weekend, and today I brought a blanket out to the backyard and sat in the sun with my cat. It was really nice and calming and my mom had brought a laptop out, so we listened to church online while we sat in the sun. It was really relaxing, and I felt an extreme amount of peace and happiness while I was outside. Today in general, I've been feeling really happy and for the first time in a long while I woke up with a huge smile on my face and I just felt happy and calm and it's such a nice feeling. As of right now, nothing can stop me. I'm ready for what my future holds.

~Maddison

As 2015 comes to a close, I've spent most of the day reflecting on the past year and looking ahead to the next. If I'm being honest, 2016 looks pretty scary and full of responsibility. I'll be finishing Junior year, taking the SAT/ACT, starting senior year, applying to colleges, getting jobs, turning 18 at the end of the year, and so much more. I almost don't want to think about 2016, I just want to remain a kid. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to move on with life and do all of this grown up stuff, but I never thought it would actually happen; it always seemed really far away. 

While reflecting on 2015, I get really emotional because this truly was the best year of my life so far. I almost can't believe the year I've had, as everything was really calm and happy. I got to meet Tyler Oakley and go to his slumber party tour, I got to go to my favorite lake and relax, I got to go to California and attend VidCon where I met so many amazing internet friends and YouTubers such as Dan and Phil (danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil), Ben J. Pierce (kidpov), PJ Liguori (kickthepj), Chris Kendall (crabstickz), and so many more. Vidcon was by far the highlight of my year. Not only did I get to meet so many amazing people, but I got to go to California, and hang out with friends, and it was truly amazing. I can't wait to get back to VidCon 2016 in June. After VidCon, I went camping, moved back home to Texas, started Junior year, made more friends, accepted myself for who I am, and so much more. This past year has been the best year for me so far, and every time I reflect back on it, I get emotional and kind of weepy, but in a good way. I can only hope that 2016 has bigger and better things in store for me.

In February, I made a blog post explaining a few of my goals for 2015 (here) and now I want to look back on those goals and set more goals for 2016. I always set goals instead of resolutions, because I feel like resolutions are kind of cheesy and never really work, while you can always aspire to reach your goals. Looking over that blog post, I realized that I reached all of my goals except getting a passport. I wrote more, I read more, I took more pictures, I saved (and spent) more, and I learned how to find joy in the little things. This year, I have a few more goals to add.

2016 Goals

1. Leave the country at least once, or at least get a passport

2. Practice French more

I find that French is a really pretty language, and I've had the Duolingo app for a while and have practiced it a little, so I have very basic French skills. This year I want to up my fluency rate and practice more.

3. Go to State for my piano competition

Each year I have a regional piano competition, and if I make a superior, I advance onto state. I've always made a superior or superior plus,so that's not a problem, but I hope I can take the trip to state once I make it. I went two years ago, and it was one of my favorite trips.

4. Do well on the SAT/ACT/AP tests

This year is my last semester of Junior year and the first semester of Senior year, so it's time to start taking these tests and in the fall, starting the application process.

5. Keep a bullet journal going

I've seen so many Tumblr posts about bullet journals, so I finally bought one to try. I don't think I'm going to use it as an agenda, since I already have one I use for school, but I've set it up already and I quite like the idea of having everything in one place. I might do a blog post about it in the next few days, because I think it's a really cool idea.

6. Hang out with friends more

One of my biggest flaws is that I hardly ever have anyone over because I have school and then homework, and by the time the weekend comes around, I really just want two days to stay in bed and not see anyone and kind of de-stress from school. This year, I want to try to invite friends over more often, even if we just watch a movie together or something, it's always nice hanging out with friends.

As you can see, I have many goals for 2016, but this isn't all of them. I have so many things that I want to achieve this year, and I want it to be just as amazing as 2015, if not better. Here's to 2016.

~Maddison

This is going to be a quick post because I can't go an entire month without posting something, but also nothing significant has happened and I still can't make myself write..

What's happened this month? Not much. I tried doing the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) this year for the first time ever and I made it three days in before I gave up. But hey, that's four thousand more words than I've written in a while. I had a choir concert, a piano concert, Thanksgiving break, and now I'm back in school. December starts tomorrow and in all honesty, I'm just waiting until Christmas break.

Listen, I know this is short, but it's not like people read this, plus I do it for myself and I'm really only doing this post because I can't go a month without posting. Sorry I'm bad at blogging, but junior year is intense. So many AP classes, so little time. Hopefully I'll be back soon, but definitely before 2016.

~Maddison

Okay, okay, I know I haven't blogged in about ten thousand years, but in my defense, I've been busy and still haven't had the motivation. I don't know what's up, but yeah. Basically, October, my favorite month of the entire year, has whizzed past and somehow it's nearly over (I only have under an hour left). This had been a really good month for me actually. Not only is the weather cooler, but I'm also now a year older than I was the last time I wrote. 

Turning 17 is weird because it's the year nothing happens. When you're 16, you can get your license and when you're 18, you're considered an adult, but 17 is just another year. It was my golden birthday this year though, so I guess that counts for something exciting. I had a party the day before my birthday with a few friends and I had such a nice time full of laughter and chicken nuggets. My actual birthday was super chill. It was on a Saturday this year, so I got to sleep in, avoid any responsibilities, and lay around watching movies all day. It was super nice, plus I got tons of lovely things from my family and friends. I think one of my favorite things is my new bedspread, which has a bunch of passport stamps on it. It's super pretty and it makes my room look nice.

Although the leaves haven't changed color and fallen yet, it has rained a bit recently, and I'm 100 percent okay with that. I love the rain so much; I don't really know how to describe it. I leave my window open and just sit and listen to the water droplets fall outside and allow the cool breeze to flow past my face. If there's one thing I love more than rain, it's thunderstorms, and we've gotten a few of those lately as well. I find rain to be extremely peaceful and nice.

This month has been a pretty big book publishing month, especially for YouTubers. Dan and Phil, Tyler Oakley, Zoella, and PewDiePie all released books this month, and I finished both BINGE and The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire fairly quickly and my love for the authors has only grown. Although I don't have plans to read PewDiePie and Zoe's books, I'm still proud of Team Internet as a whole for their accomplishments this month. Speaking of Team Internet, Troye Sivan started his first tour this month, and I'm so proud of him. He also announced his debut album Blue Neighbourhood for preorder (coming out November 4th) and has been accomplishing great things. I'm extremely proud of the people I love the most.

I went to a pumpkin patch sometime this month and let me just tell you: I love pumpkins. Normal pumpkins are great and all, but if you really want to win my heart, get me a tiny pumpkin. You know those little baby ones you can get for $2? Yeah, those are by far my favorite pumpkins, and when we went to the pumpkin patch, I got three to decorate my room. I always love pumpkin patches. I don't know, they just make me really happy and I become energetic so it's nice.

My family and I celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving for the first time ever (which is funny because my dad, his brothers, and their entire family were born in Canada) and it was actually pretty nice. I don't know what I was expecting, since we've never celebrated it before, but it was just like the normal American Thanksgiving, just with more maple leaves and a month earlier. I had a good time, so that's all that really matters.

I've gotten the travel bug really bad lately, and I want to go explore somewhere soon. Whether that somewhere is Dallas or Austin, I don't know, I just want to go. Currently, New York is at the top of my list (at least for places in the United States), and I've been looking at flights and just dreaming about visiting.

Now that October is over, there's just Thanksgiving standing in the way before Christmas and then 2016 wow.

~Maddison

Is it too early in the year to drop out and become a hobo? Probably not, but a girl can dream. When I heard people say junior year would be the hardest, I believed them, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Every single day last week I had about seven to eight hours of homework. I was up until midnight doing homework, and I would start when I got home from school. Then, you throw on the actual grades. My grades so far are the absolute worst they've ever been- I have five B's. Five. Granted, one's an 89 that I can probably bump up to an A, but still. That's the most I've ever had in my entire academic career. I don't mean to sound like that type of person, but I usually only have one B per year, and I had straight A's until I hit Algebra 1 in middle school. The fact that I have multiple B's literally kills me.

One of my B's is in English and honestly, it's mainly due to this class discussion that we had last week and I couldn't talk so I failed and got a 65 on. Let me just rant a little bit about grading class discussions for a bit. First off, there are shy people in every class. Forcing a grade onto a discussion doesn't make them want to speak up any more than if it wasn't graded. Secondly, you have people with intense anxiety who literally can't function is a discussion setting. Third, if you just let people talk without calling on anyone, you get the people who dominate the discussion and get all of the points. Grading class discussions is one of the absolute worst things you could possibly think to do.

My next B is in aerobics. I took aerobics because I heard that it was easier than PE and quite frankly, getting sweaty and all red faced isn't my thing, but this class is like actual working out. It's hard and we work out and we have to do the mile on Wednesday's just like the PE classes. In order to make a 100 on the mile, you have to run it in nine minutes. Nine minutes. To get an A it needs to be between nine and ten minutes, and then it goes down five points every thirty seconds. Granted, the teacher helps buffer your grade because if she sees that you're trying, she'll give you a few extra points to help you out. I am extremely out of shape. I ran a mile once, like four years ago. I made my mile in 13 minutes, which meant that I failed it. My teacher bumped my grade to a 70, but my average grade in the class is an 82. I get 100's for participation, but the mile counts for a test grade (60%), so it's as if the hundreds don't even matter.

I have an 89 right now in APUSH, and in all honesty, that's okay. That's a hard class. Plus, I'm pretty sure I can bump it up by the end of this week. Another B is in Pre-Calculus, and I'm fine with that one too. Pre-Cal is hard and I'll gladly accept the stupid B. My last B is in WHAP and it's an 88, and I have a notebook check tomorrow that I'll get a 100 on, so I'm not too worried about it. In all honesty, I don't really care about WHAP- APUSH is my top priority right now.

As if I wasn't stressed enough as it is, I'm going to work even harder to get A's. I can't stand having such poor grades, it literally makes me sick. My anxiety is off the charts right now, and I honestly just want to give up, but I know that I can't. I'm going to try my hardest to get my grades up by the semester mark, because the semester is really all that matters.

I'm not even going to apologize for this post honestly. I need to get this off my chest and write it down, even if nobody reads it. So if you did read this giant rant, do you have any advice? What would you do?

~Maddison

Also, the whole time I was writing this I was thinking of Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXRviuL6vMY