Maddison's Musings

May 18, 2017

Senior Year Reflections

Maddison Simmons May 18, 2017 0 Comments

It's crazy to me that I graduate in just nine days. We're down to single digits, but it still feels far away. I don't think it really hit me that I'm graduating until this week. I got to go back to my old elementary school on Tuesday morning and walk the halls in my cap and gown and talk with my old teachers, and it was so surreal, but it finally hit me that just next week I'm graduating and closing this chapter of my life. Yesterday, I had my final choir concert and got a little gift for being a senior, and then today I got to attend a senior award ceremony at school where they congratulated all the seniors on their scholarships and academic achievements. With just a few days left in school, it's suddenly hit me how much I'm going to miss everyone.

From elementary school to high school graduation, we made it.

Over my four years in high school, and thirteen years in public education, I've gotten to know some incredible people and make some wonderful memories, but honestly, most of my happiest memories were made this year. When you're a senior, you get to do some incredible things. Most people can drive, which makes hanging out not only more fun, but also easier. I also got more involved in school this year, since I joined the school newspaper. Honestly, if there's one class I'm going to miss the most, it's newspaper. I met so many wonderful people in that class, and since it was a smaller class, we all bonded and grew closer. I would walk into class, and it would instantly feel cozy. Someone was always playing music, and when we weren't working on the newspaper, we were playing games, talking about drama, watching Netflix, or playing Webkinz (because we're all secretly stuck in 2007 together). I got to go to Austin with my journalism class, where we got to explore the city and hang out in the hotel together. I also went to our publications banquet with them and I had so much fun. I know I'm getting sappy, and I'm tearing up a bit just writing this post, but senior year was honestly so magical for me. I came out of my shell a bit more and met knew people and did new things, and made memories that will last a lifetime.

Sure, high school isn't all fun and games, and there were some really shitty moments this year too, but once you get close to the end, you get "Graduation Goggles," a term defined as "the relief and nostalgic feeling one has about a time in their life when it is about to end, even if the time was completely miserable," according to Urban Dictionary. I'm pretty sure the term was coined on "How I Met Your Mother," as that's what popped up when I typed it into Google, but either way, it sure is true. I never thought I would be getting nostalgic and sentimental over leaving high school, but here I am, a week from graduation, and in tears thinking about leaving.

Even though I've spent four years cursing high school and counting down the days until I leave, I suddenly want the clocks to stop. I've spent nearly thirteen years with some of these people, and everyone has such a special place in my heart. I know everyone will go on to do wonderful things in their lives, but for now, I don't want anyone to go anywhere. Part of me wishes I could stay in this little bubble forever, but the other part of me can't wait to get the hell out of here and begin my own life. As for right now, I currently have nine days left until I'm free, but I would also like to point out that if nobody in my class references High School Musical, then I am officially disowning myself from my graduating class. I mean our cap and gowns are even red like the iconic Wildcats, for heaven's sake. If I don't recreate this iconic jump shot, I will personally cancel the entire graduation ceremony.

~Maddison

Apr 30, 2017

ILPC Journalism Conference

Maddison Simmons April 30, 2017 0 Comments

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to attend the ILPC Journalism Conference at the University of Texas at Austin with my journalism class. I had so much fun in Austin with my friends, plus I got to go to sessions and listen to real life journalists at my dream university. Although I won't be attending UT Austin this fall, when I do transfer over in the next year or two, I'll already know my way around campus a bit, which is nice.

I woke up at 5:45 in the morning on Saturday, April 22nd to make it to school by 6:30 to catch the bus to Austin, and by the grace of God, I somehow listened to my alarms and made it to school on time. I am not a morning person whatsoever, especially not when you add a four hour long bus ride into the equation. I was feeling a bit nervous, mostly fearing my long history of motion sickness (especially on buses), but I was braced with enough peppermint essential oil and hospital-grade vomit bags to survive the weekend (and about 40 more). Again, by the grace of God, I made it to Austin without being sick. Although I was clutching onto the barf bag, I never actually had to use it. As it turns out, I just need to make sure it's there, and that calmed me down enough.

Onto more pleasant and relevant things, once we finally made it to Austin, I was beyond excited to finally get out into the city and explore the campus and the sessions. We hopped off the bus and made our way into the main building to get checked in. Once checked in, we got to walk around and pick up a bunch of free things while we waited until it was time to listen to the keynote speaker. Let me tell you a little something about free things: I love them. I don't care what you're giving me, but if it's free, I will gladly take it. I got sticky notes, a cool light up pen, a drawstring bag, a little notebook, and some candy. A great haul. We also got to see our school newspaper out on one of the tables filled with school publications from around Texas, so that was pretty cool, but I was mainly just there for the free things. By the time I picked up every free thing I could possibly pick up, it was time to go listen to the keynote speaker. The keynote speaker shared stories of her time as a journalist, which was a nice and inspiring way to get the conference started. Once her talk was over, we were dismissed to go eat and then head to the sessions.

One of the cool things about UT Austin, and most college campuses, is that there's tons of stuff to do within walking distance. When we broke for lunch, we were able to walk to Guadeloupe St (also known as "The Drag") and chose from one of the many places to eat. I chose to head to Einstein Bros Bagels, aka heaven on Earth. I sat and nibbled on a bagel and sipped some coffee, enjoying the free wifi the bagel shop offered (but the multi-million dollar college campus didn't? okay, sure that makes sense), as I watched college students walk by the large windows. Before I knew it, time was up and it was time to head to my first session. I walked leisurely to the building the session was in and took a seat in the old-fashioned desks, excitedly waiting for the session to begin. The session was about working as a writing freelancer, which is great, because I know I'll do some freelance writing in the future. I learned a lot of things in the session, and took plenty of notes, which made me happy.

Once my first session was over, I waited for my second session to start, which was coincidentally in the same room. The second session I attended was about breaking into the journalism world, and again, I got plenty of notes, and left feeling inspired and ready to start writing something. Once that session was over, I went to my third session, which I picked at random, if we're being honest, and I still have no idea what it was about. All I know is that the lights were dim, the chairs were comfortable, I was running off of four hours of sleep from the night before, and the guy doing the session had a really calming voice. It's a miracle I didn't drift off. Once that session was over, I picked another one at random, and ended up at an investigative journalism session. I thought it might be cool, but as it turns out, investigative journalism deals with a lot of sad shit, so that's not the career path for me.

Finally, all four sessions of the first day were over, and it was nearing time to get to the hotel, or so I thought. We ended up staying for an award ceremony thing, and we didn't even win, so I don't know why we were there, then after that, we left to go to a mall to eat and shop a bit before heading to the hotel. Once everything was finally over, we got to the hotel around 8:30 pm. I was completely ready to flop into bed and call it a night, but no trip would be complete without hotel drama. We picked our rooms at random, just picking the first key we saw from the pile as we stepped off the bus, which is never a good idea. We get up to our room, put the key in the door, and swing it open to reveal a room with one bed. Keep in mind that I was rooming with three other girls. The four of us were desperately trying to work out a situation, when our teacher walks in, realizes the situation and says, and I quote, "well this is some fucking shit." I was laughing for a good ten minutes. Our teacher doesn't really swear, and even though I curse all the time, I still laugh at any profanity, especially when said by a quiet person who hardly swears. It was a simple fix, all we had to do was switch rooms with our teacher, but hearing him curse cracked me up so much that I found myself giggling hours later when I thought about it. With the room fiasco fixed, we settled into our new room with two large beds and got ready to go hang out in another room to play games with a few other kids. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity, Spoons, and The Voting Game until well after midnight. I learned way too much about some people with the voting game, but we were too busy laughing our asses off that we didn't care. Eventually, we all tired out, and the four of us went back to our room to get some well-deserved rest.

Another day, another early wake up call. Up at seven and gone by 7:30, it's a miracle I made it out alive (aka without any coffee). We left the hotel early enough to travel to Round Rock Donuts, a place known for their giant donuts. Once we were pumped full of enough sugar to last a lifetime, or at least a few hours, we were back on the road to Austin. By the time we got to UT, the first sessions of the day were about to start. My friends and I decided to skip the sessions and head to Starbucks, where we ended up playing a two hour long game of Uno without a winner, as nobody had won by the time we had to get back to meet up with the rest of the group. Again, we went to another award ceremony where we didn't win anything, then headed back to Guadeloupe St to get lunch before hitting the road to go home. I ended up getting yet another bagel, then I walked around and admired the campus for a bit until we got back on the bus to head home. On our way home, we made a quick pit stop at Buc-ee's, aka the most Texan place in the universe. It's insane, and I love it. By the time we finally made it home, it was 5:30 pm, and I had listened to Panic! at the Disco's entire discography. Not a bad way to end the weekend.

Overall, this was one of the best weekends I've had, especially in high school. I got to hang out with so many wonderful friends, explore a cool city/campus, and experience a kick-ass journalism conference. My only regret is that I didn't join my school newspaper sooner so that I could have experienced this trip more than once, but at least I got to experience this trip at all. I hope everyone gets to experience a trip like this in their life.

Some pictures from Austin (some can be found in this Instagram post):

Austin has some rad street art

Class where I attended my first two sessions

I was really proud of having 666, until I realized it's upside down (and it might be 999 I still can't tell the difference between 6 and 9 in Uno)

My friends and I got matching bracelets aren't we just the cutest

More cute street art damn I love Austin

~Maddison

Apr 9, 2017

13 Reasons Why Review

Maddison Simmons April 09, 2017 0 Comments

I was originally going to make this a book vs film adaptation type of post, but decided that both the book Thirteen Reasons Why and film/Netflix adaptation 13 Reasons Why are both equally important. As a book lover and a writer, I love the book. Each time I read it I find myself unable to put it down, fully invested in the story. When I first started the Netflix version of the show, I was annoyed with how much the show differed from the book, but after a little research, where I learned that the author of the book was apart of the whole process, I was able to separate the book and the show in my mind, and enjoy the show a lot more. In the book, the main character Clay listens to all the tapes in one night then passes them off the next morning, so we really only hear Clay's commentary and how he processes everything, unlike in the show, where he takes days to finish the tapes, but we get to learn more about the other characters and their struggles. Either way, Hannah's story gets told, and that's what's really important. When I first read the book a few years ago, it changed my outlook on how I view the world and how I treat people. You never really know what people are going through and what someone else is struggling with, so it's important to treat everyone fairly and nicely. Now, a few years later, the show is giving the same message. I think it's important that this book was also made into a show because it allows people who maybe don't like to read to get this important message as well.

All differences aside, both the book and Netflix adaptation are super important, especially to young teens/adults. They book/show deal with the heavy concepts of suicide, rape/sexual assault, slut shaming, guilt, etc, and it's not something to be taken lightly. In her tapes, Hannah mentions the snowball effect, which is defined by the Cambridge dictionary as "a situation in which something increases in size or importance at a faster and faster rate" it can also mean "everything leads to everything," which is accurate in Thirteen Reasons Why. While figuring out what happened to her life and why it went to shit, Hannah makes a list of everyone who ever mistreated her, then she narrows down the list to thirteen people, her thirteen reasons. Each story she tells is connected somehow, and she shares that everything is connected, and whether the person thinks what they did was insignificant or not, it was significant to her.

Thirteen Reasons Why is not a book/show to be taken lightly. It deals with triggering topics, so I thought I should include links to posts where people listed triggers (they'll also be embedded below). This post is more general, with descriptions of triggers in each episode, while this post breaks it down with specific time stamps for the most triggering scenes.

Also, can we just take a minute and think about how diverse the cast is? I mean, just look at this picture. It's beautiful!! Justin is the only white character in this entire screenshot!! It's so beautiful and powerful to have such an important show have so many people of color. Also, there's gay/LGBTQ+ people!! And not just one!! It's truly amazing, and I'm so proud of this show for being so diverse- that deserves an award itself.

Overall, no matter who you are, I think it's important that everyone reads the book and/or watches the Netflix adaptation. The story being told is way too important to be passed on, even though it deals with heavy concepts and triggers. The story makes you look at your life and evaluate how you treat others and how you see the world. Hopefully, the story can help shape you into a more thoughtful person, or at least into someone who can learn to recognize that your actions have consequences, no matter how insignificant you feel they might be. Also, I hope that if you're feeling how Hannah did, you know that there's always a reason to stay alive.

~Maddison

hey just thought I'd post the Master List of Triggers for 13 Reasons Why!! please stay safe and spread awareness xx pic.twitter.com/8dgn7GeuKE
— sad grrl (@thinexistence) April 2, 2017

http://veronicamcrs.tumblr.com/post/159095550370/13-reasons-why-trigger-scenes

Mar 11, 2017

College Rejection

Maddison Simmons March 11, 2017 0 Comments

I've been trying to write this post for three weeks now, but each time I start, I stop. It's been weeks, but the rejection still stings a bit. As you can tell by the title, this isn't a very happy post, but it's real life. Last month, I got rejected from my dream school. You see, I thought I had automatic admission, but it turns out being in the top 7.6% of your class bumps you to top 8%, and UT needed top 7% for auto admit. I found that out late in the game, but I thought surely they'd accept me- I was only .6% away. I was wrong. Now, I wasn't completely rejected- I got offered an admission decision saying that I could transfer to UT Austin after spending one year at one of their other campuses in the UT system. At first I was excited, that could work, I could go to UT Arlington for a year, then transfer to Austin, no big deal, I had already gotten into UTA and I was offered a pretty large scholarship; it could all work out, right? Wrong. As it turns out, if I wanted to accept the scholarship to UTA, I couldn't be apart of the CAP program that would allow me to transfer to Austin after a year. I was torn between finances and dreams, and as it usually plays out, finances won. I had to decline the CAP offer and accept admission and my scholarship to UTA.

Just like that, my plans for the future had to be adjusted. I've dreamed of going to Austin for five years, but now it's pushed back. I was so excited to move to a huge city full of music and culture, but now I'm stuck in Arlington, a smaller city and only 45 minutes from home unlike the four hour distance between home and Austin. It's not necessarily that I want to get away from home, but I want to get out into the world and start becoming my own person. I thought that once I got into college I could leave everything from my life behind and meet new people and have new experiences. I also thought that it would be easier to cut ties with people from home whom I don't like, or are just crappy friends in general. Also, being out is easier in college, especially if you're in a huge city, and the most liberal place in Texas. I was so sure that I would get in that I even went ahead and started mapping out what classes I was going to take and I started looking at syllabuses and professors at UT Austin. It's not like I'm never going to Austin, because I definitely plan on transferring after a year or two, but it's the setback that hurts more than the rejection. You know how you plan your life and you imagine it going a certain way, and it feels safe? That's what I had. Now, my life plans seem to be tossed into the air, and they're just hanging there, waiting until I figure it all out.

To be truthful, I know there's probably a reason why I didn't get in, and it will all work out in the future, blah blah blah, but for now, I just want to be sad for a bit, because it's perfectly valid to be sad about this. I know this may seem a bit dramatic, but for me, the life I've planned has been altered a bit, and I don't like that. Thankfully, I was offered a large enough scholarship for UTA that I will have very little expenses, since it will cover most of my tuition fees, and that's without any grants/loans from FASFA and the like. Now, I'm stuck deciding between living on campus and living the typical college life, or staying at home and commuting to save money. As for that, only time will tell, as my indecisive ass isn't going to decide yet, but I know this is just another bump in the road of life.

I know I'm not alone in this process, since thousands of kids get rejected from universities each year, so I thought I would compose a list of things that have helped me feel better about the whole situation, and that will hopefully help you if you're someone facing some setbacks in life at the moment.

So You Got Rejected, Now What?

1. Cry
It's perfectly acceptable to let yourself feel these emotions. You may feel overwhelmed and disheartened, but that's okay. These feelings will eventually fade, and it will all be okay once it's over. But for now, go ahead and let the tears fall freely.

2. Talk about it
Having someone you trust to talk about anything with is a super important thing. For me, I usually turn to a few close friends and/or my mom. No matter what, you're never alone. If you feel like you truly don't have anyone, I'm always ready to listen to anything you're going through. You can leave a comment below or hit me up on one of my social links to the right or above, and I'll always listen. You're not fighting this fight by yourself.

3. Allow yourself time to be upset
You don't have to pretend the rejection doesn't hurt. Allow yourself all the time you need to be upset. Just remember that it won't last forever, and eventually the fog will clear.

4. Start making plans for your new future
Look into other schools you got accepted to and start imagining yourself there. Look into the area surrounding the school and start planning your next step in life.

5. Realize you're going to be okay
No matter what happens, you're going to make it through this. It might seem like the world is crushing you, but it won't crush you forever. Eventually, things are going to start looking up again.

Everyone faces rejection in their lives, and this probably won't be the last time you're rejected from something, but the pain won't last forever. Although I'm still bummed that I didn't get into my dream school, I know that it won't stop me from kicking ass in Arlington until I make my way to Austin. At the end of the day, you hold your life in your own hands, so do whatever makes you happy.

~Maddison

Feb 2, 2017

Mental Health (ft Inside Out Emotions)

Maddison Simmons February 02, 2017 0 Comments

I would like to start off by saying that I can really only speak for myself, at least in this post, and based off my own experiences with mental health issues, which is why I'm going to focus mainly on anxiety and depression, both of which I have been diagnosed with. I am in no way a trained professional, or expert even, but I just want to sit down and have a frank discussion about mental health, because it's a huge part of many people's daily lives, especially my own. One of my favorite movies is Inside Out because not only does Riley (the main character) have to move across country, but she also goes through a bunch of shit, and as someone who has moved a lot in my life, I found the movie really heartwarming and relatable. Although this movie is fairly old (it came out mid 2015), I'm not going to spoil anything, so don't worry about that. I just want to chat about mental health and have an excuse to talk about my favorite movie at the same time. Also, this is an official trigger warning, since I do go into detail about how I feel during an anxious/depressive episode, so if that's a trigger to you, you might want to skip the next paragraph or two.

I have been medically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but most days I seem to have it under some sort of control thanks to the medication my doctor has prescribed. Every night I take an antidepressant pill and a pill to help my digestive system/nerves. Sometimes when my anxiety is acting up more than usual, I also have an anxiety medication I can take as needed. To me, these medicines help me live normally. But just because I'm on antidepressants doesn't mean that my depression is gone. Sometimes it pops up unexpectedly, and sometimes it passes after a few hours, but sometimes it lingers, fading in intensity, but getting stronger when I'm alone. That's how I felt today. It's a really strange feeling. All I want to do is cry and sleep and not move. My entire body feels like lead and moving seems impossible. My movements become slow as I mentally have to convince my body to get up, but that doesn't mean it listens right away, or at all. I find myself staring at the wall, not focusing on anything, but just losing myself in my spiraling thoughts. To me, the worst thing about my depression is the lies it tells me. It says I'm alone, I'm worthless, nobody cares, that there's no point, etc. And most of the time, I have no idea why I'm sad, but I just feel overwhelmed with sadness. Of course, sometimes things like old memories can spark a depressive spiral, but today it seemed to just pop up out of the blue. It comes and goes in waves, but it's the worst when I'm alone. When I get really low I get cranky. Everything annoys me and it all seems like too much. It's too loud, too bright, too much. Life seems to be pressing down on you with everything it has, and there's not much you can do. Earlier, I just laid on the couch in a blanket, trying to focus on Parks and Recreation while drifting in and out of a nap. I couldn't move, I couldn't even talk really. I just laid there, hoping someone would just come hug me and tell me everything would be okay. But I don't share my emotions or feelings easily, and when someone asks what's wrong, I usually shrug and say nothing. Sometimes I write, which makes me feel better, but starting is the worst. I have a feelings journal I use where I just write every single thing I'm feeling, and some of it is pretty sad, not gonna lie, but I always feel better after an entry. I don't ever re-read the things I write though, as I know it will just pull me back to the mindset I had while writing.

When I'm not having a depressive episode, I might be feeling intense anxiety, and usually I don't know why. The worst thing is when you're hit with a depressive episode and then anxiety comes along and then you start depersonalizing, and shit just hits the fan, but thankfully, that doesn't happen too often for me. Anxiety is the weirdest thing because you can be fine one minute, and then the next, your mind is somehow shutting down and overworking at the same time. It's like when you try to push a really large/heavy object- it just doesn't work. My anxiety is usually the worst when I wake up, whenever I have to do something new or when my schedule changes, or before I hang out with anyone/interact with a stranger. As I've said, I'm a mess, and anxiety has a tight grip on my life, but I'm still trying to manage it. It's also strange because although I'm scared of a lot of things, I love things that would usually make people nervous, such as concerts, asking people for pictures (I don't know why this doesn't bother me, but asking a Target employee where the matches are does?), adventuring/traveling without a set itinerary (I actively despise a schedule whilst traveling or exploring a city), and public speaking. See, I told you I'm a mess. I actually kind of really like public speaking, but you never heard that from me.. But asking a teacher if I can go to the bathroom? Out of the question, totally not cool, I just can't do it. (Fun fact: I'm a senior in high school and I have never asked to go to the restroom/gone to the restroom in school because I'm too scared to get up and ask the teacher. Also I've always feared that the one time I use a public bathroom, there'd be a fire, lockdown, or some other dramatic event. Also, they're gross.) But despite all of this, I'm still managing. I just take one day at a time and try to remember all of the smaller, happier things. I kind of repress all of these issues (which I doubt is good for me but whatever it works for now) and just focus on the good, because in the end I want to be able to recall all of the happy things, not the sad things.

As I grow older I keep learning new things to help balance out the sadness and fear, and mix a little bit of happiness into my life. I've gone to therapy in the past, although that was more for a different reason, but it didn't help me much mental health wise because I never like to let people know that I'm struggling. I like to project a happy a positive version of myself to the world, even if that's not how I'm feeling. I wouldn't lie to my therapist, per say, but I wouldn't tell the whole truth. The simple "How are you feeling?" was usually followed with an okay and then I would talk about my day. But the one thing therapy did give me was a friend when I needed one the most. I went during the darkest year of my life, and my therapist was one of the only people I could actually talk to, even if I felt uncomfortable, and that alone is one of the main reasons I suggest everyone should try therapy in their lives. There's no shame in feeling emotions and being upset, and that's still something I try to work on. I'm definitely not perfect, and I still have a lot to perfect in my life, but what I do know is that all emotions are valid, and all should be felt without remorse.

Things to do when your mental health acts up:

Talk to someone you trust
Hug a pet/animal/pillow/human
Write it out. Just write everything you're feeling and let it flow onto the paper.
Distractions are key: read a book, watch your favorite movie/show/YouTube video, listen to music, play a game, practice an instrument, work out
Take a shower. Even if you just have to sit there and let the water splash around you.
Take a bath and use a bath bomb if you're into that
Try out a new makeup look
Retail therapy if your bank account allows it
Pamper yourself: paint your nails, put on a face mask, etc
Sleep it off
Check out this list of distractions (also embedded below)
Or this sane masterpost I made a while ago (also embedded below)

Above all else, I really hope you're doing well, and if not, I hope your better days are coming.

~Maddison

http://self-care-kit.tumblr.com/post/139997741727/a-z-distractions

http://maddisonsmusings.tumblr.com/post/130961785089/sane-masterpost